What are Toxic Relationships?

The term “toxic relationship” is thrown around on the inter-webs a lot and it can leave you asking your self, “Wait, am I in a toxic relationship? How do I know? And what exactly do I do about it?” 

Toxic relationships are most simply defined as being relationships that leave you feeling repressed, silenced, and engaged in chaotic patterns that never quite seem to improve no matter how hard you work on them. These relationships tend to leave one partner feeling defeated, like a shell of themselves, and overwhelmed thinking about when the next stressful circumstance will arise. The other partner (typically the mentally and emotionally unstable person) tends to feel like the relationship mirrors their internal experience, so they might feel validated by the chaos and unpredictability. 

Here are some of the ways that toxic patterns might show up in relationships: 

• Preoccupation with keeping one partner stable, to the detriment of the other partner. 

• Inability to stay calm and collected in communication for more than a short period of time. 

• Feelings of “I can’t win here” come up more often than not. 

• Being stuck in a perpetual cycle of arguing, disconnection, and chaos, no matter how hard you work on the relationship. 

• Being gaslit (or made to feel crazy) when bringing up concerns about the partner’s behavior. 

  • Example of this might be: “I never said that!” or “You’re crazy!” or “You are always making things harder than they have to be.” 

• Feeling disconnected from your own needs because of your focus on your partner’s needs. 

If you find yourself in toxic situations, it can be difficult to know what to do next.  This is typically where a therapist can help you understand how these cycles began, what you can do to protect yourself, and how to advocate for more health in the relationship. 

Most often, toxic relationships start with one partner overfunctioning and the other partner underfunctioning.

Relationship dynamics and our childhood attachment experiences deeply influence our partner relationships in adulthood.  These early models for relationships can often lead to codependent patterns, where one partner does all the emotional heavy-lifting in the relationship, while the other partner relies on the relationship to help them fix their issues. 

Here’s a few ideas of how to stop the toxic cycle (but you might need a therapist for some of this work): 

• Start with small boundaries.  Start by saying no, when you mean no. 

• If you are over-functioning in the relationship, allow your partner to fix some of their own mistakes without you jumping in to save them or fix the issue. 

• If you are under-functioning in the relationship, try to take personal responsibility for something and work hard to fix the issue without relying on someone else. 

Survivors: If you are nodding your head "yes" to understanding these toxic patterns in relationships, I'd suggest our codependency workbook, Healing Codependency. It's a 10-week, step-by-step process of looking at your codependent patterns and finding realistic ways to manage your people-pleasing impulses. If you are ready to feel grounded and safe again, I'd recommend our nervous system regulation course-you can get on your waitlist here.