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The Link Between Codependency and Self-Betrayal

codependency trauma responses
self-betrayal

Have you noticed in yourself a tendency to minimize your own needs? To not cause a fuss and keep the peace at all costs? These may be reflections of one of codependency’s main symptoms: self-betrayal

Signs you might be in a pattern of self-betrayal include:

  • Saying “yes” when you want to say “no”

  • Self sabotaging

  • Ignoring basic needs and self care

  • Lying to yourself

  • Not taking accountability for your actions

  • Pretending to be something other than your authentic self

If this sounds like you, read on for an explanation of how self-betrayal emerges and strategies you can implement to combat it.

One of the many devastating effects of growing up in a traumatic, neglectful, or otherwise chaotic environment is a pattern of self-betrayal. Here is how that plays out. Growing up in an unstable or invalidating environment can threaten one’s attachment to important  caregivers and other relational supports. This can send the message that we need to sublimate our emotional needs to ensure our safety and security, particularly when we are young and vulnerable. Those messages then lead to subtle shifts that cause detrimental results.

For example, trauma causes us to view others as unwilling or unable to help us meet our needs. If your caregivers dismiss, ignore, or otherwise don’t make space for your emotional needs, then you don’t learn how to identify those needs and get them met. Similarly, trauma creates in us emotional needs that feel so big, we cannot imagine how our support system could bear to help us. This can create intense emotions, which we tend to interpret to mean there is something wrong in us. But in reality there is something wrong with the situation and your big emotions are simply an indicator of that. 

Finally, trauma can result from a chaotic environment that teaches you it is not safe to share your needs. If you exist in a space where it is not safe to express your emotional needs, then you will not make room for them. Over time, this can create a deeply ingrained pattern of self-betrayal that is intricately linked to your sense of being ok in this world.

If this resonates with you and you are aware of a pattern of self-betrayal, there are small shifts you can make to combat these patterns.

  1. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF

    Instead of putting everyone’s needs before your own, thus fostering resentment, learn what your needs are and how to get those needs met effectively.

  2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU

    Notice those relationships in which you feel like you have to perform. What are you taking ownership of that is not yours? What are you not owning that is yours?

  3. PRACTICE SETTING BOUNDARIES

    For many caught up in a pattern of self-betrayal, identifying and asserting boundaries can be challenging. Practice setting boundaries and seek support around processing the anxiety and guilt it might cause you.

  4. MAKE AND KEEP DAILY PROMISES TO YOURSELF

    This can help with rebuilding a sense of trust with yourself. It can be something as simple as waking up at a certain time, actually taking your lunch break, or drinking enough water. Whatever it is, practice setting daily intentions and actually sticking to what you say you will do.    


Survivors: If you are nodding your head "yes" to wanting to stop the harmful pattern of self-betrayal, I'd suggest our codependency workbook, Healing Codependency. It's a 10-week, step-by-step process of looking at your codependent patterns and finding realistic ways to manage your people-pleasing impulses. 

Therapists: If you are walking clients through their codependency after leaving a rigid religious or cult group, then we have a specialized trauma-informed training for you.  Join us for A Year of Non-Magical Thinking for Therapists in order to get consultation, coaching and education on your clinical cases. 

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