How to Overcome People-Pleasing

If you are here, it’s likely you’ve read a list of symptoms identifying you as a people-pleaser or someone has used this phrase to describe you. If this is a new revelation for you, you might be frantically on the hunt to know how the heck to overcome these people-pleasing tendencies. I am here to help you in that search.

Delay the people-pleasing by 2 hours. 

This is probably the hardest part, but you’ve got to get in your own way when it comes to these self-betraying patterns. When the urge to people-please comes up, delay your reaction or response to “fix” it for two hours. Usually, with a delay, we are able to gain some perspective on what is actually happening in the relational dynamic. The practice of delaying immediate relief to the anxiety allows you to really evaluate the underlying areas of your relational and emotional life that need to be addressed. Once you’ve given yourself just a little bit of space, you can jump into the next steps.

Start with identifying the triggers.

What typically sends you into a people-pleasing tailspin? Do you notice the words, phrases or reactions coming from others that cause your anxiety to skyrocket? Do you to obsess over how to keep them calm and happy, or not upset with you? Let’s start there. 

A trigger is typically unconscious and it happens without our full knowledge. Part of the power of healing is identifying subconscious trigger points to better understanding the underlying fear. Think back to the last time you felt frantic to keep the peace when you suspected someone might be upset with you. Do you feel the sensations in your body?

Now let’s work backwards. Think back to what interactions you had just before the anxious feelings arose to the. Was it an email that seemed short? An interaction with a loved one? Knowing what triggered you helps you identify the next step in overcoming this pattern.

Focus on the underlying feelings or fears.

What are the underlying fears that cause you to behave in people-pleasing behaviors? What are you afraid will happen? Are you afraid of being judged harshly, unloved, abandoned or ridiculed? 

Now let’s go one step further: Where did you learn to be afraid of abandonment, rejection or ridicule? Where did that start? 

When you know the underlying fears and feelings behind the people-pleasing, you can start to ask yourself if your fears are well-founded in these moments. In other words, do your current fears match your current circumstances or are they relics from the past?

Practice self-compassion.

You didn’t know back then what you know now. Read that again. You are unwrapping all of your triggers and fears to give yourself a healthy path forward. It might feel overwhelming and discouraging, but it helps you know what you need to do to take care of yourself next. 

If you were to compassionately respond to your fears, what would you say to yourself? I’ll give you some examples to try: 

• What am I afraid of? (said gently to oneself) 

• Am I in danger right now? 

• Are there ways to take care of my fearful self right now without people-pleasing? 

• What do I need to calm down? How can I help myself know I’m okay? 

Survivors: If you are nodding your head "yes" to wanting to overcome people-pleasing, I'd suggest our codependency workbook, Healing Codependency. It's a 10-week, step-by-step process of looking at your codependent patterns and finding realistic ways to manage your people-pleasing impulses.