Four Signs You are a People-Pleaser

Oh the dreaded people-pleasing. I know, it can be a tough pill to swallow to be described as a people-pleaser. Oftentimes we finally come to this realization when we acknowledge our exhaustion, overwhelm, and find ourselves having a hard time asserting our boundaries. 

Does that sound like you? 

One of the tell-tale signs of codependency is people-pleasing, so here are a few ways that this symptom might show up in your life: 

✨ Do you obsess or worry when you think others might be mad at or upset with you?  

This is usually a big trigger for a people-pleaser: believing someone is mad at them. It sets off a cascade of anxieties causing us to feel overwhelmed, distracted, and intent on reestablishing calm in the relationship. Then, we end up making big assumptions about someone else’s inner world and we start working hard to make the relationship okay again. 

However, instead of allowing the other person to have authentic and human reactions to you, you begin trying to control their response. It’s natural to have ups and downs in any relationship and trying to manage human moments creates disconnection, rather than connection. 

✨ Are you chronically scared to disappoint people? 

This can happen in any type of relationship including romantic, family, friendships and work relationships. If your manager asks you to do something completely outside of your job description that would require you work into the night on something, what is your initial response? Your first instinct might be to jump in and say “yes” to any request as a way of preventing disappointment in someone else. 

But, there are big consequences to these behaviors. We end up overextending and overcommitting ourselves. Eventually we become resentful and feel unappreciated, yet continue to avoid confronting others because we are afraid to disappoint them. Do you see the cycle? 

✨Do you identify as a perfectionist and have serious shame around failure? 

This one hits close to home for all of us anxious types that work hard to avoid even the slightest failure in our lives. You might ruminate about all of the ways you have to be perfect which inevitably leaves you stunted and full of fear about how to make the next reasonable move in your job task, relationships, or life. 

The truth is that none of us get even close to perfection, so, if you are holding yourself back in life because you are afraid of failure, it’s important to uncover the underlying fear. What happens if you fail? Do you have a fear of losing relationships or connections? That’s likely rooted in people-pleasing and codependency. 

✨ Do you chronically neglect yourself in an effort to take care of others? 

Do you believe that others actually have more of a right to ease in life than you do? Really consider this. Do you believe that your feelings can be pushed aside and neglected while others take the center stage? If this is true, you might be in a chronic people-pleasing pattern that leaves you feeling alone and empty, rather than connected and thriving. 

✨Do you seek approval from others? 

We all need some level of approval and support from others. That is a deep human need and there’s no shame in the game. But what happens when you aren’t supplied with a steady stream of reassurances and reminders of others’ approval of your life decisions, your feelings, or your behaviors? You probably feel pretty crumby and anxious inside. This is the other side of people-pleasing.  

All this people-pleasing usually occurs as a result of wanting to remain connected in your relationships. When you work hard to keep people happy with you, you typically have some deeper fear or insecurity. When others stop being vocal with you about how well you are doing that insecurity rears its ugly head. So, when you feel this anxiety arise, the real question might be: What scares me so much about others disapproving of me in this moment? 

When looking at this list of symptoms, does people-pleasing start to describe your experience? Want more information about People Pleasing? We have a vlog that you can find HERE that walks you through the basics of people-pleasing, the deeper needs that you are neglecting and triggers for the problematic compulsion to keep others happy. If you want to work through some of these people-pleasing tendencies, you can read more about how to take up more space in relationships and live more authentically here. 

Survivors: If you are nodding your head "yes" to wanting to overcome people-pleasing, I'd suggest our codependency workbook, Healing Codependency. It's a 10-week, step-by-step process of looking at your codependent patterns and finding realistic ways to manage your people-pleasing impulses. If you are ready to help your nervous system feel a little bit calmer and more grounded, then join us for our Regulated: A Nervous System Course!